Monthly Archives: June 2006

No, I'm not back in the hospital. I'm visiting somebody who is…and in a hospital so fancy that every room has a high-speed Internet connection and the meals are prepared by a Wolfgang Puck kitchen. That is not a joke. It's a private hospital and one that, like the most exclusive of restaurants, you can't get into unless you know somebody…or unless an ambulance brings you here because it's the closest emergency room when you're in trouble. Which is how the person I'm visiting wound up here…in a room so nice, it almost makes you want to be sick. Notice the "almost."

I've stayed in Courtyards by Marriott that weren't as plush as this place. I have some time to kill while tests are being conducted so I couldn't resist trying to blog from the in-room Internet hook-up. (It's a clever little device — an LCD screen and keyboard on a swivel arm so it can be moved into position for someone in the bed or swung over to a nearby chair for a visitor. The screen toggles back and forth between the World Wide Web and a full line-up of cable TV stations, plus you can listen to XM satellite radio, plus it's also a telephone. Wish I had one of these for my house…though I'm not sure the web is ready for me blogging from bed.)

And, oh yeah — they seem to have doctors and nurses who know what they're doing and who aren't overburdened with too many patients. I guess that's impressive, too.

What happened to all those people on the TV series, M*A*S*H? What did they all do after the war? Well apparently, most of them wound up selling computers for IBM.

We may (note the emphasis on the word "may") be looking at an opportunity to end the Iraq War sooner rather than later, and in a way that will enable American prestige to go relatively unsullied in the process. Read this blog post by Kevin Drum.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is a fascinating movie. I'm not sure if it's a good fascinating movie or a bad fascinating movie or even if the distinction matters. In some ways, it's so bad it's good and in others, so good it's bad. I do know it's about one-tenth as much fun to watch when you aren't in a hip audience with a great sense of humor…so in a way, the new DVD is disappointing. It doesn't come packaged with a hip audience with a great sense of humor.

The film was, of course, made by the grand lecher, Russ Meyer, with a script by Roger Ebert, who could match him leer for leer. It started out to be a sequel to the original Valley of the Dolls (which also just came out on in a new DVD deluxe edition) and then turned into an unrelated parody, not just of Valley of the Dolls but of everything else that occurred to Meyer and Ebert at the time. Some of the parody is so expertly done that you aren't certain all the actors even knew they were in a spoof, and there have been filmgoers who've watched the entire movie without realizing it.

First time I saw BVD, as everyone calls it, it was on a double feature with Valley of the Dolls at the old Criterion Theater in Santa Monica. It was a matinee and the place was filled with little old ladies and others who didn't "get it." It was one of my strangest moviegoing experiences because I was the only one laughing and others were turning around, telling me to shhh. Like I was ruining this fine dramatic film for the rest of them.

I knew it was funny but I didn't know how funny until I attended a late screening at the NuArt one evening. The place was packed with people who "got it" and Russ was there with a couple of starlets and — to use the kind of descriptive term I usually hate — the NuArt rocked that night. We all had the best time, savoring every little oddment, howling at every cliché and every line of deliberately unnatural dialogue. It was like reading a good Kurtzman MAD comic for the second or third time, noticing things you hadn't noticed the first time through. When folks laughed in the NuArt, others would suddenly get a joke they hadn't realized was there.

I've seen it a few other times with good audiences, including a time up at U.C.L.A. maybe a dozen years ago when they brought in Meyer, Ebert and all the major cast members who were willing to show their faces. There was a miserable splice-filled print and that almost added to the fun. The great cartoonist Carol Lay and I were seated behind star Dolly Read and her husband, Dick Martin, who were in hysterics. Their laughter bolstered ours — you know how that works — and for a time there, I thought the Martins, Carol and I were going to have to take turns administering C.P.R. to each other. After nights like that, watching the film alone, as I just did on DVD, is just disappointing.

I purchased the DVD mainly for the special features, which include "making of…" documentaries and two commentary tracks — one by Ebert, one by a bevy of cast members. I thought both tracks were disappointing. Ebert's especially was dry and only occasionally informative. You can learn a lot more about the making of the movie by reading this article that he has up on his website. If you'd like to order a copy of the DVD, you can do so here…but I warn you: This is only a great movie when you see it with a big audience. Viewed alone or with a small group, it can be rough going.

Although I worked a few times for Aaron Spelling — and almost worked for him a few more times — I didn't know him well enough to write anything of real substance about the man. In our brief encounters, he seemed to me like a down-to-earth guy who just happened to have more money than everyone else in his zip code, combined. Like many other TV producers with mega-hits, he was well aware that this was a temporary state; that the day would come sooner or later when no one at the networks would take his calls, so he had to enjoy (and milk) the success while he had it.

It has always struck me that most men in his position — note the word "most" in there — are a little baffled as to why these three of their projects made them zillions whereas these eight over here crashed and burned in spectacular failure. But of course to keep the transitory success alive as long as possible, they don't often admit their puzzlements out loud, at least to potential customers. The one time I had any sort of extended conversation with Mr. Spelling, he had just had a TV-Movie air to disastrous ratings and near-libelous reviews. I don't recall which one it was but I do remember him looking at some Nielsens, shaking his head and muttering, "Gee, I thought that one would work." Fortunately for Spelling, enough of them did work that he made out just fine.

Before we get to today's fun, two of the commercials I linked to in the last few days have been "corrected" by their uploader. He has thoughtfully fixed the sync problems in them and I've replaced my links with the new versions. Click here to go back and see the fixed version of the Speedy Alka-Seltzer spot with Dick Beals and click here to see a more in-sync version of the Post Raisin Bran commercial. (I don't mean 'N Sync is performing it…but isn't that kind of where those guys are headed?)

For today, we have another McDonald's commercial. It's some time in the early eighties and the chain needs an energetic guy who can sing and dance to appear in commercials for their newest concoction, the McDLT — a major scientific breakthrough in hamburger creation. It's a burger with lettuce and tomato on it but they've invented a brilliant way to keep the burger warm and the lettuce and tomato cool: It's a package that keeps them separate until you buy the thing and put the lettuce and tomato onto the hamburger. Must have taken them years to think of that.

Anyway, they need a guy for their commercials so they scout about and come up with a kid named Jason Alexander…

So who are the actors in the McDonald's commercial I posted last night? I asked if the manager was Vern Rowe and several of you (like Eric Tublin and John Nelson) say it's John Wheeler. Marty McKee and Doug Puthoff (and others) seem pretty sure Johnny Haymer — who appeared a few times on M*A*S*H, among other shows — is the guy who sings, "Put a shine on the floor." I've received mixed opinions as to whether the black guy is John Amos. (Tublin thinks it is, Jon Delfin thinks it isn't. I don't think so…but then it still doesn't look like Barney Martin in that raisin bran commercial to me.)

And is that my old pal Bob Ridgely in there, as many people are suggesting? I think so, now that I look at it. He's the guy singing about how clean his burger machine is, and that threw me off. The Ridgely I knew would never sing about cleanliness. Were he alive today, he would have been in The Aristocrats and he would have grossed out everyone in the picture, Bob Saget included.

A couple of folks have asked if that's Anson Williams in there, too. I debated mentioning that because Anson played an employee in at least a couple of McDonald's commercials from this era but I'm not sure he's in this one. I've just sent him an e-mail to ask. Here at news from me, we get to the bottom of the important questions. Never mind the War in Iraq or Global Warming. We want to identify the performers in old commercials.

In honor of my probably never eating at one again, here's a 1971 commercial for McDonald's that almost everyone who was around at the time will remember. Apparently, the chain did some sort of marketing survey to determine why people who weren't going to McDonald's restaurants weren't going to McDonald's restaurants. They discovered that a lot of people who'd never been in one had the idea that they were just "roadside hamburger stands" and as such were rather grungy and unhealthy.

This reportedly outraged the company head, Ray Kroc, who was obsessive about cleanliness at "his" establishments. Kroc had been a travelling salesguy for restaurant supplies and in that capacity, had visited hundreds of little eateries and been appalled at the condition of their restrooms and kitchens. When he began franchising McDonald's, he went all Felix Unger on everyone and demanded a new level of hygiene. He was known to walk into a McDonald's unannounced, go directly to the restrooms to inspect and if he found anything amiss, he made the manager go in and tidy it up himself.

So the ad boys went to work and came up with this commercial to tell the world that McDonald's were cleaned and recleaned constantly. I believe my old pal Howie Morris directed this. At least, he directed a couple of the commercials in this series, then went on to become the director (sometimes) and a voice (often) in the early McDonaldland commercials. (And hey, is that Vern Rowe as the manager?) Here we go…

For the those of you scoring at home (or even wagering), here's the latest: It's been four weeks since I underwent Gastric Bypass Surgery and so far, I've lost…twenty-eight days!

No, actually, I've lost forty pounds and I still can't get over how good it feels to be rid of them and how little discomfort I've had in the process. There are occasional pains — I think my posture is changing and some muscles are now being taxed in different ways — but there were greater pains and problems involved in carrying around that weight. So far, it looks like a great trade-off.

I also can't quite get over how little I eat or crave. I have not been hungry since the surgery despite a diet that would starve a supermodel. In fact, near the end of the day, I'll sometimes think, "Gee, there was something I meant to do and forgot…what was it? Oh, yes! Eat!" And then I have to force myself to down a protein drink or one of the semi-solid foods I've begun eating. This afternoon, I had a piece of baked halibut about the size of a tin of Altoids, accompanied by a third of a potato knish. And I couldn't have been more stuffed if I'd gone to Hometown Buffet and done a swan dive into the steam tables.

Yes, I seem to have found a protein drink I can live with. Some were too sweet, some too bitter, some too chemical, etc. Many were part of the insidious plot to make me imbibe artificial sweeteners. It finally dawned on me that I could mix protein drinks and get the best of two varieties. I'm now using Healthy 'n' Fit Bodybuilder 100% Whey Pro-Amino, which comes in vanilla or chocolate and which I purchase at my neighborhood Vitamin Shoppe. It's flavored with Stevia and taken by itself, it's tolerable…but I've learned how to improve it. I take a full portion of this, which is alleged to contain 45 grams of protein, and add in just a dash of 40-30-30 Total Balance Drink Mix, a protein drink which also comes in vanilla or chocolate and which they sell at Trader Joe's. The latter contains fructose — too much for me to tolerate a whole drink made out of it — so I use it for flavor. I figure it also adds another 5 grams of protein and fifty grams is around two-thirds of the protein I need for a day.

Still wrestling with doctor and hospital bills…though the burden was lightened by some generous readers of this site who kicked in a lot more than I dared to imagine. I thank each and every one of you, and will be writing personal notes shortly. I've been busy with another means of paying off the docs: Selling my old trousers to Cirque du Soleil. Next time you attend one of their shows, look around as you enter the Grand Chapiteau tent. If you see something that looks like a pocket and it says "Rochester Big and Tall" on it, welcome to my pants. Between that and what I stand to save on groceries and restaurant bills, I could wind up showing a profit on this surgery thing.

But I still have to say: I don't recommend it to everyone. I recommend looking into it if you're in that category that someone charmingly named "morbidly obese" but I'm certain roux en y is not right for some people. I'm just becoming convinced I'm one of the people it is/was right for. My doctor — who I've trusted with my life and would do so again — thinks I oughta do a book about the whole experience, explaining all I've learned, and I just might.

In the meantime, thanks again to all who've sent nice messages and/or PayPal offerings. I'll keep you posted.

Stan Freberg to receive a much-deserved award.

Tonight, Turner Classic Movies has two airings of Billy Wilder Speaks, a 90-minute interview with the great director, edited out of a series of interviews he did for German television. How can that not be worth watching? The interview airs at 5 PM and again at 8:30 on my satellite.

The other day here, I mentioned voice actor Dick Beals and his most famous role…that of Speedy Alka-Seltzer. Our featured video today is a cute commercial starring Mr. Beals as Mr. Alka-Seltzer.

One of the things that impressed me about Dick the few times we worked together was how he manages to be highly versatile even though biology has trapped him in the higher vocal ranges. If you have six minutes, you can listen to or download his voice demo tape from the link below. It represents a pretty tiny fraction of the work he's done…

And here's Speedy Alka-Seltzer…

Boy, it's weird how topics evolve on this weblog. The other day, I linked to this Post Raisin Bran commercial and a lot of you wrote in to say you thought the lead actor was Barney Martin. I thought it wasn't. I still kinda think it isn't even though I now have eyewitness testimony from a trusted friend who says it was.

Turns out, an old and dear pal of mine, Jim Brochu, was also in that commercial. In the above photo, Jim's the raisin on the far left. In the commercial itself, Jim's the raisin on the far left also, seen in profile. He says they shot this in a studio at 106th and 2nd Avenue in New York around 1973. He also says the guy in the front is definitely Barney Martin. I say it still doesn't look to me like Barney Martin but I'll take Jim's word for it. He and Barney were good friends.

Also in the commercial is the very fine character actor, Ken Olfson. In the above photo, Ken's on the far right and I don't know where he is in the commercial. Jim says David Doyle was in another commercial in this series (there were four made in all) but wasn't in this one. And while we're identifying people, Frank Buxton says the voiceover at the end is by William Redfield, a fine actor who was probably best known for his work in the movie of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Anyway, I think it's amazing: I link to this silly little commercial and later find out a friend of mine is in it. Eventually, everything in my life will be connected to everything else in my life.

Hey, lemme tell you what Brochu is up to. Jim is a maddeningly versatile gentleman whose knowledge of The Theater puts mine to shame. He's an actor, a director, a playwright, an author, a producer, etc. He's been putting a couple of those job descriptions together as the writer and star of a forthcoming one-man show, Zero Hour, based on the life and times of his old pal, Zero Mostel. The play debuts July 7 (I will be there) at the Egyptian Arena Theatre in Hollywood and will play through August 13 before heading for New York. More info and a link to purchase tickets can be found here. Based on what Jim's done in the past, I expect to have a very good time. In fact, this may turn out to be the best play ever done by a former raisin.

Before 1980, if you drove your vehicle into a Jack-in the-Box drive-thru, you had to give your order to a big, plastic jack-in-the-box. I guess a lot of people felt silly doing this…though if you were eating there, it's not like you had a lot of dignity to lose. Nevertheless, '80 was the year they took out those jack-in-the-boxes and did a not-ineffective advertising campaign announcing they were "blowing up the clowns." This is a commercial from that campaign. The elderly lady you see in Nedra Volz, who turned up at one time or another in every single situation comedy of the late seventies and throughout the eighties. At one point, she had recurring roles on three different TV series — Diff'rent Strokes, The Dukes of Hazzard and Filthy Rich. Not bad for someone in their seventies. The gent who plays the manager of the Jack-in-the Box is our old pal, Chuck McCann, who's been in even more TV shows. Here they are…

There's a new book out by Ron Suskind called The One Percent Doctrine. It makes some pretty amazing claims about how the Bush administration has pressed the case for the Iraq War. They're summarized in this review by Barton Gellman.