Monthly Archives: December 2003

I hereby retract my earlier praise for how (I said) Governor Schwarzenegger had reversed his predecessor's silly policy about not granting paroles. According to this article, it seems we were premature to think there was a change.

Actually, the only change in the governor's mansion has been that our chief exec now has biceps, an accent and sexual harassment lawsuits. Otherwise, it's still Gray Davis in there. (Thanks to Tom Hegeman, creator of the immortal comic character "Shyster" for the link.)

As several of you have informed me, I'm not the only one who had trouble redeeming his free vacation from the Ralphs Market chain. Yeah, but I'm the only one with a Sergio-decorated Ralphs Club card.

Each year at the Comic-Con International in San Diego, I host this fun panel called "Quick Draw." We get Sergio Aragonés up there and Scott Shaw! and two other swift cartoonists and I throw challenges at them. It's kind of like Whose Line Is It Anyway? with drawings and without Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Wayne Brady and a very large staff of comedy writers billed as "Creative Consultants." Anyway, the cartoonists in the "Quick Draw" panel have overhead projectors putting what they sketch up on large screens so everyone can see. This year, kidding around during set-up, I started sticking items from my wallet under the lens and I projected my Ralphs Club card. For those of you who don't have the privilege of membership in this esteemed organization, it's a card you flash when you go to a Ralphs market. You get a few items at a discount and they get to chart a profile of your buying patterns. Deep within the Ralph's corporate headquarters, there's a computer that knows exactly how many Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches I've purchased there and what flavors.

Sergio, being Sergio, grabbed my card and in about 1.8 seconds added the little editorial cartoon you see above. Since then, when I hand the checker my Ralphs Club card, I've gotten a wide array of snickers and giggles, plus some odd reactions. One checker actually asked, "Is that the guy from MAD Magazine?" Another insisted on calling the Manager over and showing it to him to make certain that we had not voided the card with Sergio's enhancement. (The Manager laughed out loud.)

It turns out Sergio was anticipating my recent experiences with Ralphs. There's a supermarket strike on in Los Angeles and it's not going well for anyone, except maybe the markets that aren't on strike. The union struck the Vons chain which is part of a coalition with the other two major retail outlets, Albertsons and Ralphs. The latter two locked out the union workers and the strike was on. After a month or so of no progress, the union withdrew its pickets from Ralphs, figuring that it would put pressure on the other two markets if their main competitor wasn't suffering as much. The move does not seem to have made much of a difference. A month later, the strike remains deadlocked and Ralphs has lost $145 million in third quarter sales because of the strike. This may be because even without pickets, customers don't want to go to a non-union market…or it may be because they've gone and discovered that Ralphs is now a terrible, terrible market.

I've always done most of my shopping at Gelsons anyway, but Ralphs is handier for a few items. Last week and today, I stopped into different outlets and found, first of all, that the shelves were only about half-filled. The Ralphs I went to last week was out of most kinds of bread. The one today didn't have any carrots. These are not exotic items. At the one last week, I bought a chicken and while the date stamped on it was still in the future, the chicken turned out to be seriously past-tense and went into the garbage as soon as I got it home.

Today, the checker mixed up my purchases. I bought one can of cranberry sauce and was charged for two. But then I also bought a can of soup for which I wasn't charged, so it almost balanced out. I bought twelve packages of luncheon meat, got down to the car and found they were not in my bags but about six items I hadn't purchased were. I took them back and the bagger realized he'd mixed my purchases in with the lady after me, who went home without her flour or her dishwashing liquid but with a dozen packets of honey-roasted turkey she may not have wanted. There were a few other screw-ups but basically, it was a pretty unpleasant place to market. No wonder they're down $145 mil.

While I'm at it, I might as well mention that I have a pre-strike bone to pick with Ralphs. Last July, I won a prize in their "Great Escape" promotion, which gives me two free nights in a hotel in one of 38 cities. I was given a voucher and told to either mail it in with my choice of city or phone the "Reservations Center." The voucher told me I had to do one of these two things by August 15 and I would receive my prize. It further said, "All travel must be completed by December 15, 2003." So I tried phoning the Reservations Center for two weeks and received naught but busy signals. Finally, around August 6, I got a recorded announcement that said they were no longer processing vouchers via phone and that I should mail it in. I mailed it that same day and that's the last I've heard of my free vacation. When I called the Reservations Center throughout September and October, I got a new recording that said that prizes would soon be mailed out. Mine has never come, the Reservations Center number is now a disconnect, and when I recently called the main Ralphs office, I got a lady who said she didn't know anything about any contest and that everyone there who might was too busy because of the strike to talk to me. I'm hoping they're out stocking the shelves with bread and carrots.

Recently, a comic book company called Crossgen announced the cancellation of many of its titles and the delay of the rest. Prior to that, there had been reports that some of its artists were having trouble getting paid. I think it's fair to assume that the company is in some amount of financial trouble and that this flows from insufficient sales.

Yesterday, an e-mail from a reader of this site asked me for my view as to why their books haven't sold better. I'm afraid I can't advance any sort of theory. You see, despite the fact that I am an active participant in the comic book community, including going to conventions and comic book shops, I have never seen a Crossgen comic book. I couldn't name a Crossgen comic if you pointed a howitzer at my vitals and I only know the names of four people who have worked for them…

I know Barbara Kesel was involved in some sort of editorial capacity. I know this because at some convention a few years back, Barbara handed me her business card and it said "Crossgen" on it.

I know Mark Waid wrote some scripts for them. I know this because Mark told me this over lunch one day.

I know George Perez drew something for them. I know this because I ran into George the last time I was in New York and when I asked him what he was up to, he said he was drawing something for Crossgen.

And I know Robin Riggs was inking for them. I know this because several Internet message boards erupted with tales of Robin allegedly not being paid, or not being paid on time or something of the sort.

That is everything I know about Crossgen. I couldn't tell you what comics those folks, fine talents all, did for them. Couldn't tell you who else worked for the firm, and obviously I wouldn't even know that the four above-named people had worked for them if I had not spoken personally with the first three and if Robin had been been paid on time. I know absolutely nothing about Crossgen via the usual means by which potential customers hear about a comic book company and its wares. When I've gone into a comic shop the last few years, there may have been Crossgen books available there but if so, they were not prominent enough for me to notice. When I've received fanzines and read comic news websites, I've seen the name of Crossgen whiz past but never in a context that caused me to actually read the item. If any of my friends have read Crossgen books the last year or three, or however long the company's been around, no one has mentioned them to me.

Now, I'm sure this bespeaks volumes about my naivete. Perhaps I had to walk through cons with blinders on not to be overtaken by the Crossgen Age of Comics. But it must also say at least a little something about the importance of another comic book company that published whatever it is they published, which I'm guessing were books designed to appeal to the superhero and s-f crowd.

I am absolutely not putting down the creative content of those comics. Since I haven't seen them, I have no opinion of how good they were. There have been plenty of wonderful comics done that I've never read and maybe these books should go on that list. But given their reported problems, I'm obviously not the only person out there who wasn't paying attention. That might be a function of insufficient promotion. It might be a function of the quality of the books. Or it might be that they were offering a product for which there simply was no demand, or a demand that has already been quite satiated. Sight unseen, I'm guessing the last of these.

Michael Kinsley on the problems the Democratic candidates have now in criticizing Bush's Iraq policies.

The other day, I linked to this MAD Magazine piece about a George W. Bush action figure. A lot of message boards and other weblogs have linked to it and discussed it, and I'm amazed how many folks didn't realize that there really is a George W. Bush action figure of him in that flight suit. In fact, I think MAD got hold of a real one and photographed it to make their ad parody. Some also wondered if MAD had been that hard on Clinton. The answer, I think, is that they've been getting a little tougher on each succeeding president but, yes, they were pretty rough on Bill and Hillary. I can't think of anyone anywhere who's even vaguely in the business of political humor who didn't rip the Clintons. They made it pretty easy.

It almost isn't a matter of liking or disliking a politician; it's a question of access points, and eventually all public figures provide them. Right this minute, if someone hired me to write jokes about Howard Dean, I don't know what I'd write. He hasn't done anything egregiously stupid…yet. He seems to have flip-flopped on a number of issues and he seems to be a bit reckless with what he says, but he hasn't done enough of that for people to laugh in agreement if you write about those things. Same thing with Gephardt, same thing with Kerry or whoever. At some point, we'll decide that the Democratic nominee, whoever it is, has certain flaws that are exploitable for humor, the way Dan Quayle was dumb, Bill Clinton was horny, Al Gore was dull, Bob Dole was ancient, etc. For a time, it looked like the prevailing caricature of George W. Bush was going to be either of a Word Mangler or a Drunken Frat Boy, but it seems to be edging towards Phony Macho.

Some say that whoever the Democratic nominee is, the Republican machine will leap to portray him as weak, dishonest and, if possible, unpatriotic. I just hope, if they succeed in convincing America that the guy has negatives, they're not those. It's going to be a long, nasty campaign and it would be nice if the late night shows didn't wind up just recycling old Al Gore jokes and changing the names.

Having posted many messages about how I don't like Governor Schwarzenegger's financial shenanigans, I should admit that he has done one thing that I like. He has indicated that he intends to allow the state's Board of Prison Terms (i.e., Parole Board) to do its job and to appoint members who do not simply believe that criminals should remain behind bars until they rot. The board was weighted to that belief and on the rare occasions that they recommended someone for release, Gray Davis would invariably overrule their decision, making some wonder why they even held parole hearings. The system doesn't work and it's time someone admitted it and fixed it. So good for Governor Arnold on that one.

A few months back when Robert Stack passed away, I posted this anecdote about how he got the job as Eliot Ness on The Untouchables. Briefly, in case you don't want to go read it, the story is that producer Desi Arnaz had cast his old friend and understudy, Van Johnson, as Ness. As Desi (and others) later told the story, Johnson's wife, who acted as his manager, called up at the last minute and tried to put the squeeze on him for more money, and Desi refused. The tale makes it look like Mrs. Johnson tried to pull a fast one and in so doing, royally screwed up, costing her husband the lead in what turned out to be a very successful series.

That's how it's always told. But I love seeing anecdotes debunked (when appropriate) or clarified, so I was delighted to receive this e-mail from Schuyler Johnson, offspring of Van and Evie Johnson. Schuyler agreed to let me share it with you…

I accidentally found a web site attributed to the masked blogger and he quoted some info from you regarding a story about Van Johnson, Desi Arnaz and Evie Johnson. Please allow me to clear up the fiction. My mother had nothing whatsoever to do with that decision, That was my father's wish and he asked her to make that call for him. He often made her do things that he deemed unpleasant but necessary to his career. She is not at all the person portrayed in this account and it is my father who is the villain in the piece. Thank you for letting me clarify another fictional story that has been accepted all these years.

Well, I'm not sure he's that much of a villain, but this does make perfect sense, and it's a good reminder that a lot of people play Good Cop/Bad Cop, where the person you think is the heavy is really acting for or with the other party. There are a lot of show biz stories where an agent or manager seems to make some foolish or unethical demand on behalf of the client, and I often wonder if the client was really as unaware as he or she tried to seem. Anyway, thanks to Schuyler for coming forth with that info, and I apologize if by repeating it, I perpetuated a bad image of your mother.

Here's a good review of a new book on Monty Python and a decent, albeit quick overview of their history and impact. Even quotes my pal Kim "Howard" Johnson.

I'm stealing this quote from the weblog of Matthew Yglesias (specifically from this entry) because it says what I believe. And as far as I can tell, all the folks doing the speculating believe it too. They just aren't about to allow a silly little thing like logic get in the way of all that fun speculation. Anyway, here's the quote…

Not to rain on media colleagues' parade to an undue degree here, but speculation along the lines of "…if Dean loses in 2004, then what will happen in 2008" is really a bit silly. This is 2003 — five years from 2008. Five years ago, it was 1998. Who in the world was sitting around in 1998 saying "Al Gore will almost certainly be the Democratic nominee, and if he loses in 2000 then it looks like the primary will be fought out between the Howard Dean camp and the Wesley Clark camp?" The answer, of course, is no one.

And I think all the speculation that says Dean has it locked up is premature, too. He may well be the nominee…but there are still primaries to come that he will probably lose. When that happens, or even before it happens when he looks likely to lose one, the media won't be able to resist the tease, "Is Dean Crashing and Burning?" Because they love a good horse race.

What's driving this talk that Dean is a shoo-in is probably to some extent, a frustration with the lackluster Democratic field. A lot of people who don't like Bush are eager to escalate the drive to unseat him. So for them, the sooner they can rally behind one candidate, the better. And it almost doesn't matter who that candidate is.

…to all of you who've offered copies of the Jim Henson tapes. I've arranged to procure one but I appreciate so many people being willing to supply dupes of theirs.

Thanks also for the donations which have been coming in reponse to our latest subtle hint. I'll be writing to each of you individually but it may take a bit. I'm waaaaay behind on e-mail. So what else is new?

Well, he didn't waste a lot of time, did he? The headline of this article is "Schwarzenegger Retreats on Key Campaign Vows." According to this other article, he's also decided to call off his inquiry into allegations of sexual misconduct on his part.

Do I smell another sequel? Say, Recall, Part II? Probably not. But if I'd voted for Arnold, I'd sure be a little embarrassed right about now.

Have I ever mentioned what a huge fan I am of the Muppets? Especially of the original incarnation, back when it was mostly Jim Henson and Frank Oz? One of my major regrets is that Mr. Henson passed away not long after telling me he'd find some project where I could work for him. It was one of those "I'd have paid him" moments…but at least I got to meet the man. He was another of those people I felt like I already knew because of the wonderful "connect" that I had with his sense of humor and sensibility.

Like a lot of you, I first discovered the Muppets back when they intermittently guested on TV shows, most notably Ed Sullivan's. I also used to watch The Jimmy Dean Show to see Rowlf…and Rowlf also turned up on a short-run summer variety show called Our Place, which starred Burns and Schreiber and featured The Doodletown Pipers and other performers then represented by Bernie Brillstein. But the Sullivan spots were the best, so I was delighted to see that the company that now controls Ed's old shows has compiled a DVD of Muppet appearances. There were some very clever spots there, about half of which ended with one character eating another. I believe most of them were just Henson and the helping hands of Mr. Oz, who then did not speak much, if at all.

I just ordered this DVD, which you can do by clicking here. Actually, if anyone out there has them, there are two Muppet appearances I'd really like to find on home video. One was an episode of The Dick Cavett Show where he did 90 minutes with them, and I think Henson just emptied out the workshop and brought every puppet he owned over to Cavett's studio. (Actually, there are hundreds of Cavett shows I'd love to find.) The other, more recent Muppet curio I'd like is the special they did to acknowledge Henson's passing. I missed it when it aired but later, someone sent me a tape that also included video of the surviving Muppeteers performing at a public memorial for him, and it was all quite touching. I made the mistake of loaning the tape to someone who promptly made the error of taping a baseball game over it, even though I'd popped the "no record" tabs. I still don't know how they managed that; only that I lost my copy of something I wanted to keep.

I think I'll close this little item by quoting a line that Henson said the one time I met him. He showed a small group of us a "making of" tape for The Dark Crystal, explaining how robotics and remote control devices had enabled the puppeteers to control the characters. At one point, he froze the tape on one monster and said, "There's an important point I want to make here. That puppet cost something like two hundred thousand dollars to build and while he served the story, he was forgotten right after this film came out. I don't remember his name, I don't think anyone in my company remembers his name. I doubt anyone we might run into on the street would know his name…" Then Henson reached into a small purse-like satchel and pulled out, without putting it on, his main Kermit puppet. He said, "On the other hand, this one cost about fifty dollars and it's the most popular, loved thing I will ever do." Now do you see why I wanted to work with this man?

William Kristol on how Dean could beat Bush.

Every weeknight, the ABC Family Channel runs two old episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? For some odd reason, this week they're rerunning the exact same episodes they ran last week. There's probably a good reason for this but I'll be darned if I know what it is.