Feeding Hef

In case Hugh Hefner ever drops by your house for dinner, you might want to know what Hef eats. This is from an article about his impending visit to Las Vegas…

Before Hefner dines out, his handlers routinely fax his dinner instructions to the restaurant of choice. The instructions are always the same: three lamb chops on a warm plate bearing his HMH initials, 15 ounces of Le Sueur Early Peas, three 90-count size potatoes, two tomato slices "on a plate lined with lettuce," apple sauce and a glass of milk "on a paper napkin." A hand-drawn map includes how Hef wants the place setting.

And they didn't mention this but I believe the Viagra tablets are placed to the left of the salad fork.

The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus

That's the title of a comic book-style story that appears in Al Franken's new book, Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them — A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. It was drawn by a terrific cartoonist named Don Simpson…as you can see on this site where Franken's publishers have made the story available for free viewing.

TiVo Stuff

In the past, I've complained about networks not starting their shows precisely on time, thereby screwing things up for those of us who record via VCR or TiVo. If you have a TiVo, you've probably just received this lovely on-screen notice…

NBC is airing shows on Thursday evenings with non-standard start times and lengths. If you have a Season Pass for one or more shows during primetime on Thursday, you should check your To Do list, Recording History, and Season Pass Manager to make sure your programs are recorded. Check your viewers guide or www.tivo.com/support for more information on these features.

NBC is playing dirty pool here. E.R. Thursday night starts not at 10 PM but at 9:59. They're figuring, I guess, that when the show before it ends, you'll be hooked on E.R. before you have the chance to change channels. But of course what they're also doing is making it difficult for you to record a show on another channel (like CSI) that ends at 10:00. Friends runs from 8:00 to 8:48, followed by Will and Grace from 8:48 to 9:27, which will screw up people who have a VCR that sets record times in five-minute increments.

I don't watch any of these programs but I've often gotten burned by shows not starting and stopping as scheduled. This morning's airing of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart started early so my TiVo recording lost the first minute or so. A couple of times, I've recorded a movie or an episode of something and when I watch it, I find that it's actually longer than the scheduled time and that I didn't get the ending.

If there's any ratings advantage to playing these games, I would think it would be small and more than offset by viewer annoyance. I think all the TV networks should get together and pledge to air shows (live events, excepted) at the advertised times and on the half-hour. And while they're at it, they ought to all agree to go back to credits you can read without splitting the screen to stick in advertising.

There She Goes…

Each year, ratings for the Miss America Pageant get worse and worse. Last Saturday's set a new low which will stand until next year's…that is, if any network is even willing to run it next year.

There are a lot of reasons for the decline of what was once a significant event, many of them having to do with the pageant's antiquated, vapid concepts of what qualities are admirable in a woman. One I'd like to underscore is that the Miss America promoters have been beaten at their own game. Once upon a time, it was a unique way to create an artificial celebrity who could be sent out to cut ribbons at mall openings and endorse products. Today, "reality television" provides a series of extreme ways to make a nobody into a somebody, and they have to do a lot more than walk down a runway with good posture. They have to eat slugs or live in exile or dangle over sharks or marry someone on TV or, in some cases, demonstrate actual talent. Becoming Miss America looks like nothing.

I don't know anything about the company that runs the Miss America pageant but I have a hunch what's going on in their offices this week. They're having conferences and saying things like, "We have to find a way to make the pageant relevant." They're looking at tapes of Fear Factor and Joe Millionaire and wondering if there's anything they can adapt from those shows without puncturing the merchandising veneer of their manufactured celebrity. There probably isn't but before the Miss America pageant becomes too unimportant to even be televised on a network, I'll bet they institute some real stupid changes to the format. Furthermore, I'll bet they don't work, either. The problem is like the old Groucho Marx joke about not wanting to belong to any club that would have him as a member. If you honestly summed up the traits and skills that a woman ought to have to be worthy of the mantle of "Miss America," they would include not entering that kind of contest.

Recommended Reading

Here's Part Two of Timothy Noah's piece on why the folks talking about Hillary Clinton running for president are almost all Republicans.

The Turkey Episode

As it happens, the WKRP in Cincinnati episode about the turkeys is scheduled to air this coming Sunday morning, September 28 at 12:30 AM on TV Land. To some, that will be late Saturday night. Consult your local listing to make sure and set the TiVo. And thanks to Brent Seguine, Steve Billnitzer and others who alerted me.

The Latest

With its usual flair for accuracy, The New York Post is referring to Peter Paul, who never had anything to do with Spider-Man in any capacity, as "The Spidey Swindler." Paul, by the way, has entered a plea of Not Guilty.

Another Damned Obit…

gordonjump01

Gordon Jump, who died the other day at age 71, was the kind of actor I really like: A guy who worked constantly. He is best remembered for playing the befuddled boss at radio station WKRP in Cincinnati and for succeeding Jesse White as the lonely Maytag repairman. But take a gander at this list of credits over at the Internet Movie Database. The guy was on everything…and that list isn't even close to complete. For example, it omits two pilot-specials he appeared on in 1976-1977 that attempted to turn the Archie comic books into an odd cross of a variety show and a situation comedy. Audrey Landers played Betty, Hillary Thompson played Veronica, Derrell Maury played Jughead and there's a bizarre story about who played the title role of Archie Andrews. (I'll tell it here tomorrow unless I forget.) I was working for the company that produced the shows and while I wasn't assigned to the project, I was the only person on the premises who knew the comics and for some reason, that made the producers think my opinion was worth something. They kept calling me in and asking, "Does this guy look like Moose? Would this actor make a good Dilton Doily?" (I just recalled who played Moose's girl friend, Midge. It was Sue Blu, who has since become one of the top voice directors in the cartoon business.)

One afternoon, they called me in to watch a very nervous actor read some lines as either Archie's father or Mr. Weatherbee. I forget which one it was. I immediately recognized Gordon Jump from an episode of Harry O I'd seen the night before and told him he'd been very good in it. He said, "Well, I'll see what I can do to lower your opinion of me" and everyone in the room laughed. He then proceeded to read the scene with the lady casting director playing Archie…and you could see that all the producers and execs in the room immediately said to themselves, "This is the guy." After he left, they all verbalized their agreement and that was it…except that when the casting concluded a few days later, they still had one role unfilled. Someone suggested that since Jump was so good in the part for which he'd auditioned, he could probably handle this other one. So he was switched from playing Mr. Andrews to Mr. Weatherbee or vice-versa. Whatever it was, no one apparently told Gordon. He showed up for the first day of rehearsal with the wrong part all memorized.

This did not throw him one bit because he was every inch the professional. In fact, the screw-up seemed right in keeping with the kinds of characters he usually played. He took a copy of the script, went off into a corner by himself for fifteen minutes, and came back in the correct role. In his last few years when he taught an acting workshop, he often told that story. Someone who took the course told me that. She also told me it was the best "how to audition" class she ever encountered. Given how often Gordon Jump auditioned and got the job, that's not surprising.

One other thing I should mention: Gordon Jump spoke what was, to me, one of the all-time funniest lines in the history of TV situation comedies. It was…

If you don't know the episode, you can read about it here or, better still, watch for that installment of WKRP. If you do know the episode, you're laughing right this minute.

Recommended Reading

Over on Slate, Timothy Noah says a lot of the same things I said an item or two ago about Hillary Clinton.

Recommended Reading

Sydney H. Schanberg discusses what George W. Bush has done for education. This is another one of those areas where Bush's supporters don't even attempt to mount a defense. They just change the subject to Saddam Hussein.

What's the Plan?

I have no idea what kind of president General Wesley Clark might make, or even what kind of candidate he'll be. He sounds good at a distance but then most of them do until we get to know them.

Since he entered the race, the thing that interests me the most is that he has the backing of Bill and Hillary Clinton. That doesn't make me like him more or less, but it seems to have an awful lot of pundits turning backflips to reconcile it with their past theories.

Hillary is very important to both Conservatives and Liberals, these days. She's important to Conservatives because she energizes their base. If you want to get right-wingers to donate money and turn out for a cause, you invoke the name of Hillary. She's important to Liberals because…well, because she makes right-wingers mad, and her ongoing career proves that all that nonsense about Whitewater, Filegate and Travelgate didn't live up to its hype.

I happen to think that Hillary Clinton will never be president; that she will get no closer to that office than Ted Kennedy did, which was never that close. But partisan activists on both sides have good reason to keep the notion of Hillary for President alive, so her support for Clark must be explained somehow. This has led to a wide array of theories…

  • The plan is to position Hillary as Clark's vice-presidential running mate so they can win in 2004.
  • The plan is to position Hillary as Clark's vice-presidential running mate so that the ticket will lose in 2004, making her the presumptive nominee in 2008.
  • The plan is to let Clark split the Democratic party. Then Hillary will accept a draft to run for president in 2004 with Clark receiving the veep slot as his reward.
  • The plan is that Hillary knows she won't run until 2008 so she'll support someone who is certain to lose this time so she won't have a Democratic incumbent next time.
  • The plan is that Hillary won't run this time and maybe not next but she and Bill think that if Clark wins, they can run the country through him. And if he loses, he'll become well enough known to be her vice-presidential running mate in '08.

And there have been others…darn near every conceivable theory except that maybe she has no plans to run this time and thinks Clark would be the best candidate. I don't know if that's it but I'm amused that every possible scenario is out there except that one. But I guess that doesn't serve anyone's interests…not even the Clintons'.