I am happy to report a full schedule of activities planned for today as the entire world celebrates the birthday of my friend and partner, Sergio Aragonés. It kicks off at 10 AM with the Annual Sergio Aragonés Day Parade down Hollywood Boulevard, which has been renamed Sergio Aragonés Boulevard for the occasion. There will be floats depicting scenes from his marginal cartoons for MAD Magazine, giant helium-filled balloons of the characters from the Groo comic book, and 27 marching bands with a combined membership of 741 musicians, every one of whom has grown a genuine handlebar mustache for the event. That includes the women.
At Noon, the governor of the great state of California, whoever it is today, will cut the ribbon that opens the new Sergio Aragonés Library in Griffith Park which contains over 27,000 books without a single word in any of them and drawings in all the margins. At 2 PM is the kick-off as the top two football teams in the land compete in the Sergio Bowl, and I'm happy to say that Señor Aragonés himself will be passing through the crowd throughout the game, signing autographs and selling chili dogs, and that the half-time entertainment will include the usual Arnold Schwarzenegger Egg Toss and the George W. Bush Dog-Dropping competition. At 6 PM, we all gather for the traditional Aragonés Feast, the highlight of which will be a life-size replica of Sergio made completely out of three-bean salad. I don't know how they do it, either. At 8 PM, ABC airs a new Peanuts special in honor of Sergio Aragonés Day, "How Fast Do You Draw, Charlie Brown?" Immediately following that, Johnny Carson comes out of retirement to host the Sergio Gala at Hollywood Bowl, which will include performances by Barbra Streisand, the two surviving Beatles, Madonna (performing her socko Lesbian Kiss act), Luciano Pavarotti, some guy doing card tricks, and Jennifer Lopez and her All-Husband Orchestra. At the conclusion of the event, attendees will exchange their Sergio Day gifts as they enjoy the stupendous Sergio Aragonés fireworks display. Last year, it took 5,000 pounds of explosives just to form the image of his jaw in the sky.
Forgive me if I sound enthused but I've been waiting all year for Sergio Aragonés Day. Ever since last June when the stores put up their Sergio Aragonés Day displays and the Salvation Army set up Sergio Aragonés impersonators to ring bells for donations in every shopping mall, I've counted the minutes. It's so exciting that next year, I may skip this crap and just buy the guy a present.