Monthly Archives: June 2003

He writes novels and screenplays and plays…but at heart, Jules Feiffer will always be a comic artist. I hope. Here's his website.

About a dozen of you have written to me regarding my theory about those mysterious phone calls. Half of you thought I was right to believe that they're from a computer (or computers) fishing for phone numbers that are answered by humans so that those numbers can be sold to phone solicitors. The other half thought it was the opposite; that they're looking for phone numbers that are answered by fax machines in order to sell those numbers to companies that send out junk fax mail. And it dawns on me that both theories could be right: They — whoever "they" are — could be testing numbers, classifying them as fax or voice, and then selling the numbers in the appropriate categories.

I must admit that I'm mystified at the presumed success of junk mail faxes or e-mail spam ads. I've received a ton of both but never one that I would consider accepting. I mean, I doubt I will ever take a pill that promises to enlarge my genitalia but if I did, it would not be one that came to me via an unsolicited offer from a stranger in Uruguay. The promises of low-interest loans and guaranteed lotto numbers shouldn't fool a spaniel, let alone someone smart enough to operate a computer. But I guess you have to figure that if the offers keep coming, they can't have a 100% failure rate. Someone is responding to them. Here's an article about a lady who ran an escrow company who sent almost half a million dollars of her clients' money to one of those Nigerian scams — an amazing bit of gullibility, especially when you remember that escrow companies are supposed to ensure responsibility in financial transactions.

No wonder 41% of the country thinks we've already found those Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or that Saddam was behind 9/11.

Well, not really. Actually, he once delivered a commencement address at Harvard. But here's the text of Conan O'Brien's commencement speech

Here's what's happened to Paula Poundstone. Sounds like generally good news.

My pal Joe Brancatelli knows all about airlines and travel. Here's a column he wrote about those subjects and a few unrelated ones.

The paper bag we told you about — the one that Conan O'Brien had a few dozen of his guests sit on — wound up going for $5,350 on eBay.

Henry Waxman asks Condoleezza Rice to answer the question that the Bush administration will eventually have to answer. Here it is.

I was fortunate enough to be present for one of the last times Albert Brooks did stand-up comedy. When someone asks me, "What's the funniest thing you ever saw in your life?" that evening is a solid contender. It's quite a shame that he doesn't do that anymore but at least we have our memories. Mr. Brooks doesn't seem to have an official website but here's a link to a fan page that has some facts and articles and neat stuff all about the man who was once called "the funniest white man in America."

One day in 1972, I was poaching in the Marvel offices in New York and I somehow found myself unwrapping a package of artwork that one of their new freelancers had just sent in. It was a story of Morbius, a vampire who appeared for a time in a book called Adventures Into Fear. The artwork was still in pencil and it was the first assignment by a novice. I thought it was pretty good, especially for a new kid. A few days later, I was at the New York Comic Book Convention and I happened to meet the artist, a kid named Paul Gulacy. I complimented him on his work and he was stunned: He'd just sent it in. How had I seen it? I explained and he said, "Wow. I guess you're my first fan." Since then, he's picked up quite a few…with work like what you can see over on his website.

I have a couple of phone lines, all of them unlisted. Around once a week, the following happens. One of my lines rings, I answer it…and after a beat, I hear a polite woman's voice say, "Oh, sorry…I think I have a wrong number." Then it disconnects. This has happened at least a half-dozen times and I now realize the woman's voice is recorded. It is not a person placing these calls but some kind of computer.

I'm guessing this is some phone-solicitation company mining for phone numbers; that they have a computer dial every possible combination — or perhaps every possible combination that is not already assigned to a listed number. If someone answers, it adds that number to a database from which phone solicitations can be made. That way, they don't sell their customers numbers that will turn out to go to fax machines, modems and other numbers which won't be answered by anyone who can buy stuff.

Does anyone have another theory?

The topic of Jerry Lewis movie theaters has died down on this weblog but this e-mail from Mike Durrett was too good not to share…

As a professional projectionist, I actually worked in two former Jerry Lewis Cinemas in Atlanta, shortly after they changed hands and names. The cartridge projection system is news to me and I never saw or heard any evidence of such special equipment in place for those theatres. Because of the heavy expense of projectors, it's doubtful any other machines than the ones I ran ever occupied those booths. (Simplex projectors were on the premises and not the Italian machines advertised in Jerry Lewis Cinemas materials.)

(There was a continuous loop system commercially available in the 1980s, but it took an extremely experienced and dedicated projectionist to make it operate flawlessly.)

At the time, state-of-the-art film projection often involved two projectors with (sometimes) automatic changing of the reels. A two-hour film could be loaded onto two big 6000' reels, but rewinding and rethreading was necessitated for each show.

In the early '70s, there was a projection automation system available which showed a reel, switched to projector #2, and then the finished film automatically ran backwards (offscreen) through projector #1 in real time and stopped at the beginning, ready for the next show. All this while projector #2 was onscreen and all, supposedly, without projectionist intervention. One of the JL's I worked in was equipped with this system, the Eprad SWORD, as I recall. It was truly frightening, but would be a selling point to novices thinking about buying into the movie exhibition business.

You said: "I still don't believe any theater would book a genuine hardcore sex film with a Jerry Lewis movie." Yes, it is doubtful, but I am reminded of being sent by my Union to work a porno theatre in 1970. The movies were garbage, but between each and every show they played a Woody Woodpecker cartoon. Very odd and make your own joke. To me, the cartoons were more peculiar than had they also been double featuring a Jerry Lewis comedy.

It is possible Which Way to the Front? and Deep Throat played in the same theatre on the same day, but the family film probably ran only in the afternoon and adult fare at night with separate tickets required. That's a standard practice which small movie marquees don't usually differentiate, so it might appear there was a double feature, but wasn't.

Several years ago, a drive-in theatre we frequent played Disney's Tarzan and "The General's Daughter" together. In 1970, The General's Daughter certainly would have been rated X for its explicit content. So strange things do happen at the movies.

Yes, it's theoretically possible the Jerry Lewis movie and Deep Throat played on the same bill. But I don't believe it, and I certainly don't believe Jerry drove by a theater in the Valley and saw such a marquee. Apart from the facts that Which Way to the Front? was an old film by the time Deep Throat finished its initial and exclusive engagements, and that such a pairing would have been so odd that I'd have heard of it at the time, I just find the whole story too hokey. So I stand by my opinion that it never happened in L.A. and probably never happened anywhere, and that's the last time I'm going to reassert this.

My understanding is that there were a number of unsuccessful attempts in the late sixties and through the seventies to establish movie theater franchises that would use automated systems so they could dispense with projectionists. There was an article I read around '72 about "McDonald's-style theaters" that could be run with the same kind of untrained, minimum wage help that was the staple of most fast food enterprises. The Jerry Lewis effort was the most prominent one but I also recall, for instance, a company that was trying to get people to invest in opening "baby-sitter" theaters in shopping malls. The theater would seat 20-30 kids, and parents could drop the kiddos off at them while shopping at the Nordstrom. A person with probably-minimal nurse training would be in attendance, just in case, and would keep an eye on the kids while they watched Filmation cartoons of The Groovy Ghoulies and Fat Albert. I don't know if anyone ever actually invested in opening one of these places but I remember the sales pitch because I thought it was a prudent move to have medical aid standing by when someone was watching Filmation cartoons.

Anyway, Mike, thanks for the info. I don't know why I find this topic so interesting. But as my websites attest, a lot of odd topics interest me.

I'm not all that big on storming the castle of Congress with protests — and not because I can't find plenty to protest but because I don't think it does a lot of good. I believe elected officials do pretty much what they want to do. When it corresponds to the polls, they announce they are listening to the voice of The People. And when it isn't what the polls say most of us want, they take credit for not being "poll-driven" and for being too courageous to let a little thing like the opinions of their constituents affect them.

The recent F.C.C. decision that will allow media conglomerates to get bigger is a perfect example of really not giving a damn about The People. I've tried to look at it from every possible interpretation, groping for the silver lining within. I cannot fathom any way by which we as a nation will be better-off because the likes of Rupert Murdoch, Disney, ClearChannel and Time-Warner will be able to get larger and to drive more independents out of the already-squeezed TV-radio market. The excuse that the Internet and other new technologies will compensate by providing alternative forums is a pretty feeble rationale. This ruling was passed because a small group of men in Washington thought it would help their own political and perhaps financial interests.

Perhaps most maddening is that it was done on the sly; that they tried to do it with as little attention as possible to minimize objections. The conventional hearing process was by-passed. Even folks who hold ClearChannel stock and stand to get richer are having a tough time rationalizing that one. Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), chairman of the Commerce Committee, has scheduled a June 19 vote on a proposal to undo what the F.C.C. has done.

I don't know if messages to your representatives will change the outcome but it is in our national interest for this matter to get as much attention as possible. If Murdoch is going to get his windfall from the government, let it be done in broad daylight and with elected officials voting on the record for it.

There are many ways you can use the Internet to protest. Common Cause provides one of the simplest means of sending a protest by fax or e-mail here. An even better way would be to use that link to get the phone number of your Senators and Congressperson and actually call their office. Some people think this is a difficult process but I have found it's pretty simple. You dial the number, a secretary answers and you say, "Hello. I am represented by Senator [or Congressperson] So-and-So. I would like to urge him/her to vote to undo the F.C.C. giveaway." The person answering the phone will almost certainly know exactly what you're talking about, and probably has a little tally sheet right in front of them. They'll say, "I will record your viewpoint. Thank you for calling," and that's all it takes.

Do it now. Tomorrow, every channel on your dial could be Fox.

At one point in comic history, the largest company by far was Dell, which published and distributed comics that were put together by a company called Western Printing and Lithography. Western later functioned as a publisher of its own comics, mainly under the logotype of Gold Key. If you want to know more about the Dell/Western relationship, I provide a rough explanation of it Comic-Con International in San Diego next month. That's right — the con is next month. Hard to believe, I know…but it is, and as usual I'll be hosting a mess of fun panels and interviews, a list of which should be posted here shortly. In the meantime, I wanted to beat the drum for the panel on Western Printing (aka Western Publishing) and Dell Comics. I worked for that company for a few years and I collected its wares from the moment I could turn the pages of a funnybook. I do not believe in having affection or loyalty to a company, as that is a business entity. Such sentiments are more properly saved for human beings and their immediate creations. But I cannot deny that there's something about the business entities of Western and Dell that summons mostly-positive emotions, both as a long-time reader and past employee. On the panel, I and others who worked for them will attempt to explain why.

I usually agree with John W. Dean's writings but I think he's somewhat off-base with this widely-quoted piece that suggests George W. Bush might be impeached over the whole notion of lying about Weapons of Mass You-Know-What. For one thing, impeachment is as much a political act as a legal one. Bush could get caught robbing a liquor store right now and unless the polls indicated America wanted it, the Democrats wouldn't lift a pinky to remove him from office. Republicans would but Democrats wouldn't.

The article also gets a quote from Paul Wolfowitz wrong, though it isn't Dean's fault. A newspaper misquoted Wolfowitz and Dean is accurately quoting a misquote. On the other hand, it may be Dean's fault that his column hasn't been corrected yet.

The thing that comes to mind here though is a remark I heard John Dean make years ago with regard to Watergate — a subject he knows too well. This is a paraphrase but it was along the lines of, "One of the reasons that it snowballed to a scandal of such epic proportions is that the guys in the White House were desperate not to look like incompetents. To them that was even worse than looking like liars or criminals. And in trying to deny mistakes they'd made, a lot of them did wind up positioning their actions as lying and lawbreaking simply because that was the only other conceivable explanation." Those are my words not his but I think I'm summarizing what he said, and based on what I read about Watergate, it seemed to be true to some extent.

Something of the sort may be true with regard to these supposed Weapons of Mass Destruction. I mean, clearly some bad intelligence reports were "sold" to Congress and the American people. Even if indisputable Weapons of M.D. are eventually located somewhere, clearly we had not pinpointed their locations, as Colin Powell told the U.N. and other White House officials told everyone else. And because no one at the White House is willing to say, "We screwed up. We didn't listen to the right intelligence people and we believed some faulty reports," it's all getting spun as a question of lying.

The same thing as Watergate? Maybe. But I still don't think it's going to lead to the same conclusion.

The awards show, that is. Several shows which didn't receive trophies last Sunday night have nonetheless profited from the ceremony. Here's an article that discusses this.