Monthly Archives: June 2003

I'm swamped with a deadline but I have to write something here about Buddy Hackett, who was found dead this morning. He was either 78 if you believe the Associated Press or 79 if you believe Reuters. I think Reuters is right.

I had the pleasure of working with Buddy a couple of times and for some reason, had been running into him lately. Here's a photo taken at a party last Christmas. That's Buddy, me, Leonard Maltin and Chuck McCann — and I'm sorry Buddy isn't in the center but I didn't take the picture. Mr. Hackett had just told us the joke about the man who woke up one morning and discovered something weird on his forehead. He went to a doctor who told him he had a penis beginning to grow there. The man was hysterical and begged the doctor to remove it. The doctor said he couldn't without doing fatal damage to the man's circulatory system. "You mean that from now on, every morning when I shave, I'm going to have to look at this in the mirror?" the man asked. "No, don't worry," the doctor said. "The balls will cover your eyes."

I never quite warmed to Buddy as a stand-up. His act seemed to be a medley of jokes like the above — stories that anyone could tell, and did. I don't think there was even such a thing as "a Buddy Hackett joke." But I liked him as a comic actor, especially in The Music Man and It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, and he told wonderful stories about Dean and Frank and Sammy and everyone else in show business. I always wished, when I was around him or I saw him on a talk show, he'd dispense with the penis jokes and just tell anecdotes. He'd worked with everyone and seemed to remember every bit of it.

He had a lot of anger, especially about "idiot hotel owners" who'd spoiled the market for headliners in Las Vegas. Like a lot of older performers, he fought an ongoing battle to keep appearing for top money and not to get relegated to the status of Non-Working Legend. Up until this morning, he seemed to be in good health and just as sharp as ever…but the business, of course, has changed. At the same time, he had a sweet side and was fiercely protective of his friends. At the Hollywood Collectors Show in January, he was sitting next to another performer about the same age but recovering from a stroke. The other performer — once a big star — was being generally overlooked by the attendees and no one was purchasing his autobiography, for which Buddy had written the foreword. "Go make a little fuss over him," Buddy whispered to me. As others flocked to meet the famous Buddy Hackett and purchase his autographed photos, he gave them the pics for free and hinted that they should step over and buy his pal's book instead. He didn't care if he didn't make any money that day. He just didn't want another long-time star to feel forgotten. That's one fate I don't think Buddy ever had to worry about for himself.

As anyone with an I.Q. over 30 is well aware, a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup is a universal symbol. It says, clear as day: "The proprietor of this website is swamped with pressing deadlines for the next few days so don't feel abandoned or otherwise neglected if he doesn't post much for a while, or if he's been rude as rude can be about not answering your wonderful, informative e-mail. He will get to both this weblog and his e-mailbox as soon as is humanly possible." Take no umbrage, lose no faith in mankind. All will be normal again as soon as a certain script is on the desk of a certain producer. Bye now.

…but only in Australia. I'm doing a live radio interview tomorrow with Kris Csillag, who hosts the Breakfast Show on ABC Southwest radio. On my end, it will be around 4:00 in the afternoon but it will be 7:00 AM the following morning (I guess) in Australia. Either way, the topic will be Mad Art, my book on the history of the illustrators of MAD Magazine. If you don't live in Australia, you still have time to build a really, really tall antenna. Or better still, save what you'd spend on the antenna and buy the book.

I was just reading an article about the problem and it mentioned something I hadn't noticed…or I guess I had noticed it but I hadn't realized what I was noticing.

I did notice that the spelling in most of the unwanted e-mails I happen to read is generally atrocious. It hadn't dawned on me that this is deliberate in order to fool some kinds of spam-filters. The spammers type "viagara" instead of "viagra" because some filters will instantly label any message containing the latter as spam. I just got an e-mail that spelled "penis" as "penís." The accented "i" gets it past many blocking mechanisms. In other words, the more illiterate a message is, the better its chance of reaching (and therefore, communicating) with someone.

There's something kind of odd and almost poetic about this occurring as our means of contacting one another becomes increasingly high-tech.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist wants a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Has anyone ever calculated the follow-through rate when prominent politicos call for a Constitutional amendment? I doubt it…but I'm guessing it's well under a thousandth of a percent.

Quick: When was the last time a move to amend the Constitution went the distance and actually occurred? Answer: 1992. And that was a provision with no opposition whatsoever — a technicality about Congressional paychecks.

Before that, the last amendment that actually was passed was to lower the voting age to 18, back in 1971. I recall very little opposition to that one. And before that, it was another uncontested, no-opposition change about presidential succession in 1967.

It's been close to 40 years in this country since we've passed a Constitutional amendment that had more than token opposition. But every week, when some Supreme Court decision or act of Congress doesn't go their way, someone's on Meet the Press, saying we need and will pass a Constitutional amendment undoing that loss.

I doubt even Dr. Frist thinks we'll ever see an amendment like he describes. He just thinks it's good politics to say that. It makes his supporters think the battle is not over and that if they keep throwing campaign contributions and efforts at Frist and his party, something will happen. But since that amendment is never going anywhere, it won't do much to energize the opposition.

My pal Aaron Barnhart is not only the TV critic for The Kansas City Star but a longtime follower of David Letterman and late night TV. He thinks Letterman should go to a four-day work week. I think Aaron's right — but only if Dave will allow guest hosts who stand at least a chance of doing a good show.

Here's an article about the release of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In on home video. There are stills and RealVideo clips, including the one of Richard Nixon saying, "Sock it to me???"

By the way: If anyone needs proof that Dan Rowan is dead, it's right there on the cover of the DVD. It says, "Produced and created by George Schlatter." I dunno who created the show but I know that if Rowan were alive and he saw that, he'd be chasing someone with a pickax.

Wile E. Coyote gets all his equipment from them. Why not order something from The Illustrated Catalog of ACME Products?

…but for God's sake, don't give them decent pay or benefits. Here's an editorial on how the White House is fighting several current attempts to boost compensation to servicemen and even to the families of those who die in battle.

Watch for an announcement — later this week or next — that Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick have been signed to star in the motion picture version of The Producers, based on the Broadway show which in turn was based on the motion picture of The Producers.

The story I always loved about Katharine Hepburn went roughly like this: She was starring in the musical Coco at the Mark Hellinger Theater. This was in late 1969. The show was not great — a far cry from the same librettist's My Fair Lady at the same theater — but audiences flocked to see it. Because it was Hepburn, and how often did you get to see Hepburn? I wish I had, but the closest I got was nodding to her in recognition as we crossed paths one day on Central Park South, right in front of the St. Moritz.

Evening performances of Coco were joyous but for a time, the matinees were a little rough. Next door was a construction site and a big, noisy building was being erected. After several afternoon performances were marred by the sounds of jack-hammers and rivet guns, the producers of Coco appealed to the construction company. It was only a matter of a few hours every Wednesday afternoon but the construction company said no; they had a building to build.

So Ms. Hepburn took matters into her own hands. She donned a hard hat, went next door and joined the construction workers for one of their coffee breaks. She told them the problem, passed out a few free tickets and asked them — pretty please — could they find quieter tasks to do during her Wednesday matinees? The workers were charmed by this tough but regal lady and agreed. For the rest of the run of Coco, a whistle would be blown just before curtain on matinee day. Airguns and heavy machinery would go silent and other, gentler work would be done until the workers saw the audience leaving the theater. Burly construction guys, it was said, actually tip-toed. And if someone raised his voice, everyone would tell him to shush and they'd point to Hepburn's picture on the marquee.

That's how I always heard the story, which is not to say I believed it. Something about it struck me as just too "public relations office" to be completely credible.

Then a few years ago, I was with my friend Sergio and his wife, Charlene. Charlene was one of the dancer-actresses in Coco, and somehow the name of Katharine Hepburn came up. Before I could ask about the construction site story, Charlene said, "She was wonderful. Everyone thought so…even the construction workers next door." And she told the story about Hepburn putting on the hard hat and going over to ask them to hold it down.

I love it when one of those stories turns out to be true.

Is your spam getting chummier? I mean those unsolicited ads that turn up like cyber-cockroaches in your e-mailbox. Mine used to have subject lines like, "Get rich quick" and "Hot babes waiting for you." Those weren't quite as annoying because you could delete them without even opening them. So now the Spammers are doing their best to trick you into thinking they're sending you a normal e-mail exchange. They enter a subject line that says, "Here's the info you requested" or "As we were discussing" or "You're right about that."

Another fairly recent trick is the intentionally misdirected message — the one that looks like you accidentally got someone else's e-mail. You get a message intended for "Steve" that says, "Here's the password to that great secret X-rated website I told you about. Use it but don't let anyone else know." Someone has been recently been sending me a bevy of stock tips that were intended for "George" and which say they're based on top-secret insider info. It's like I'm getting spammed by Martha Stewart.

Spammers are annoying but sometimes they're creative. I just got one with the subject line, "Are you hard at work?" I guessed what it was but couldn't resist actually opening the e-mail to check. Sure enough: An ad for Viagra.

Does anyone out there have copies of scripts from the old Jay Ward "Fractured Fairy Tales" cartoons? If so, could you drop me a line? Thanks.

Here's what's up with the new show by Harold Prince, John Weidman and Stephen Sondheim.