To save you the trouble of watching the Academy Awards to find out who won, here's the list in advance. If they should happen to announce any different winners during the broadcast, you'll know that someone at Price-Waterhouse got paid off. Because these are the real winners…
- Picture: Chicago
- Director: Rob Marshall, Chicago
- Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, Gangs of New York
- Actress: Nicole Kidman, The Hours
- Supporting Actor: Chris Cooper, Adaptation
- Supporting Actress: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago
- Screenplay (Original): My Big Fat Greek Wedding
- Screenplay (Adaptation): Chicago
- Foreign Film: Nowhere in Africa
- Documentary (Short): Mighty Times: The Legacy of Rosa Parks
- Documentary (Feature): Bowling for Columbine
- Short Subject: I'll Wait For The Next One…
- Animation (Short): The ChubbChubbs
- Animation (Feature): Spirited Away
- Cinematography: The Road to Perdition
- Art Direction: The Lord of the Rings
- Visual Effects: The Lord of the Rings
- Costume Design: Chicago
- Makeup: Frida
- Film Editing: Chicago
- Original Score: The Hours
- Original Song: "I Move On," Chicago
- Sound Design: The Lord of the Rings
- Sound Editing: The Lord of the Rings
I will also fearlessly predict that the show will run at least 30 minutes over its announced time; that if and when Michael Moore wins, he'll say something that will draw a huge mixture of boos and cheers; that at least one other winner will use his time to complain about the fact that he is not allowed to make a political statement; that Steve Martin will do a fine, restrained job as host; and that everyone will say that this was the Worst Oscar Ceremony ever. But then they always say that.
Oh — and one more: There will be at least one really, really tacky speech by a presenter or recipient which will discuss courage in some way that equates that shown by our men and women who've gone off to war with the courage of an actor who takes on an unglamorous role.