Monthly Archives: January 2003

A scientist says that bananas may become extinct within ten years because they don't have sex.  What do you want to bet that (a) this doesn't happen but (b) within the next few days, Jay Leno will use this news item in a joke about his bandleader?  Anyway, if you want to know about this threat to our funniest fruit, here's the link.

Ian McNaughton, the director of Monty Python's Flying Circus, died shortly after Christmas.  Here's a link to a remembrance written by Pythoner Terry Jones.

My friend, chanteuse extraordinaire Shelly Goldstein, reportedly wowed them in London with her act.  While there, she appeared on the popular BBC radio program, Breakfast with Danny Baker, and discussed her singing, as well as her extensive career as a TV writer-producer.  If you go to this page, you can listen to about eleven minutes of that interview.

What have Adam West and Burt Ward been doing lately?  Funny you should ask…

Lawrence Lessig was among the leaders of the move to disallow the copyright extension act.  In fact, he was the main arguer of that viewpoint before the Supreme Court.  As I've mentioned, I disagree with the notion that public domain is usually in the public good, so I'm more or less on the opposite side to Prof. Lessig.  But in today's New York Times, he proposes a compromise move which sounds eminently sensible to me.  Here's a link to it.

A rather horrifying percentage of Americans — the kind who get interviewed on the street by Jay Leno, one supposes — believe that some or all of the 9/11 hijackers were Iraqis.  This says something about their I.Q.s, but it also says much about how well the Bush Administration has diverted attention from Osama to Saddam.  And, of course, it says oodles about how timid our press corps is about keeping America informed.  (For the stats and a good take on this, see this entry over at Avedon Carol's excellent political weblog, The Sideshow.  Avedon's links and musings are always worth a daily visit.)

Here's a charming (and somewhat whimsical) picture of The Three Stooges making a visit to kids in a hospital — the kind of thing they did very often.  Larry Fine, Moe Howard and "Curly" Joe DeRita were very nice gents who were generous with their time and only too willing to turn out for any charitable or benevolent concern.  But what I find funny about this photo is that "Curly" Joe didn't pause to think, "Hmm…we're in a hospital ward full of sick children.  Maybe I should ditch the cigar."

Here's an article by Joshua Green called "Reagan's Liberal Legacy."  It basically lists all the things — like raising taxes and backing down on his position against the Soviet Union — that Reagan's conservative admirers are determined to pretend he didn't do. Here's an interview with my friend Nat Gertler about his current comic book projects.  They include a sequel to his book, Panel One, which reprints comic book scripts.  The second one includes, among other fun stuff, the plot breakdown I did for an issue of Groo the Wanderer.

And here's another article about the battle over the rights to Winnie the Pooh.  One does get the feeling that Disney's happiness at the Supreme Court decision regarding copyright extension will be balanced by the outcome of this case.

Amazing Jonathon is a very hip, cutting-edge magician in Vegas.  Recently, his fellow practitioners of magic gathered for a roast and — well, here.  I'll let you read what occurred…

A sacrilegious stunt by Penn & Teller that offended some at a major magicians convention was defended Thursday by fellow local headliners.  A group walked out of a roast of Amazing Johnathan on Monday after Teller, dressed as Christ on a full-sized cross, entered the room on a cart.  A midget dressed as an angel performed a simulated sex act on the near-naked Teller.  Penn Jillette, in a Roman gladiator costume, unveiled the scene by pulling away a "Shroud of Turin" that covered the cross.

Here's a link to the entire news story.  It reminds me of tales of how, back when Redd Foxx and Buddy Hackett played Vegas, there would be signs outside the showroom warning that foul language was used and that the show was not for the easily-offended…but somehow, every night, some elderly couple from Dubuque stalked out, shivering at having heard the "f" word.  You have to wonder: What did they expect?

Two Friday morning links: Rephah Berg suggests that "new professional writers" (discussed below) should visit The Burry Man Writers Center, where they will learn much about the field and its scamming.  Click on "The Business of Writing" and read everything there.

And I suggest that folks interested in the Death Penalty reversal in Illinois read this article in this morning's New York Times.  I really think that most of those who are upset about the actions of the outgoing governor are saying, in effect, "No!  Don't tell us the system is broken.  We don't want to hear that.  We want to believe it works the way we like."  But the genie's out of the bottle on this one.  If there's going to be a Death Penalty in this country in five years, the process will take a lot of fixing.

The comic book news sites have released this announcement so I might as well mention it here: Dark Horse Comics is publishing a 4-issue mini-series of Shrek.  Ramon Bachs and Raul Fernandez are handling the artwork and Yours Truly is writing the thing — a task I happily accepted when it was offered, since I really liked the movie.  The first issue, which comes out the end of April, is adapted from a short Shrek movie that has been produced for exhibition at theme parks.  It takes place on the honeymoon of Shrek and Fiona, as they encounter the ghost of Lord Farquaad.  The other three issues will be original, individual stories featuring characters from the film, and that's really all I have to report at the moment.  Hope you like it.

Frankly, I'm just as excited about another book Dark Horse is bringing out even though I have nothing to do with it.  In May, they'll release a full-color volume of Li'l Abner Sunday pages drawn primarily by Frank Frazetta.  Denis Kitchen, who published those wonderful Abner reprint books, is annotating them.  I could probably sponge a free copy off the company but, in the hope this sells well enough to warrant more books — including the non-Frazetta Sunday pages — I'm going to pay actual money.  You should, too.

The latest on Mad Art: The online booksellers still say it ain't out, but the publisher is doing a second printing. I have a feeling the second printing will be out before Amazon figures out there was a first one.

• Off the Wagon by Paul Krugman, New York Times
• Dubya's Dividend Delight by Michael Kinsley, Slate
• Amateur Hour at the White House by Richard Cohen, Washington Post
• White House Unveils McDuck Initiative by Gene Lyons, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
• The Nixon Shadow by John Dean, History News Network
• Lieberman Bowing In by William F. Buckley, National Review

This next item is about folks who might best be described as "new professional writers," meaning that they've sold a few things but not many, and are eager to sell more.  Lately, several have written me for advice and/or sympathy as they have experienced the same baffling, dispiriting situation.  It starts via an e-mail contact with someone — we'll call that person "The Buyer" — who is looking for writers for some project.  Sometimes, The Buyer solicited applicants on the Internet; sometimes, The Writer was referred to them.  Either way, The Buyer sends an e-mail with a long breakdown of rules and guidelines, and encourages The Writer to submit pitches — samples, premises, "spec" outlines, whatever.

The Writer invests some time in cobbling up ideas, sends them off…and the next thing, he or she gets back an e-mail that asks for a price quote.  In other words, "How cheap will you work?"  The Writer, who knows little of how the project is to be marketed, where it will be distributed, etc., doesn't have enough info to cite a price but if they don't, they don't have a shot at this job.  So they do, erring on the low side.  And the next thing they receive is an e-mail that says, basically, "You're too expensive.  We're going with someone else."

For some reason, this kiss-off is usually accompanied by some sort of gratuitous insult.  One writer-applicant recently received one that said, "Obviously, based on the price you quoted, you're not a professional."  Based on the low price quote that The Buyer found exorbitant, I would say the project is not very professional, either.

I've heard of this happening often lately, and I have no real advice to offer the rebuffed scribes who write to me except this: Don't spend a lot of time auditioning, especially for jobs that pay rotten (or unknown) fees.  No one builds a career doing these kinds of assignments.  There's no money in them, and they rarely lead to the kind of jobs that do pay.  Even a beginner is entitled to basic courtesy, including the right to know the pay scales for a job before they do any try-out work.  If it's going to pay less than a hundred dollars — and some of these jobs seem to pay a lot less — you're probably better off putting the same effort into writing something you can go out and sell.  You might also want to read the three columns I posted here about "Unfinanced Entrepreneurs."  Here's the link to the first one and I'll repeat something I say in one of them…

Steer clear of those who want to exploit you.  Even when you think you have no better prospect, avoid the Unfinanced Entrepreneur.  They not only steal your work; they embezzle a little bit of your soul.

The Internet does a great job of connecting us with one another.  It also increases the number of leeches who can contact you, and makes it harder to know who — or what — they really are.  That "22-year-old blonde cheerleader named Tiffany in Malibu" you encounter in a chat room will probably turn out to be a 62-year-old fat pervert named Sid in West Covina.  The supposed publisher or producer who contacts you via e-mail and promises to make you a star may be equally legitimate.

The listing at Amazon.Com now says that my book, Mad Art, will be released December 12, 2002.  We're getting there!

This is so funny, I have to post it here.  This is an excerpt from a current Associated Press story…

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Lt. Gov. Jennette Bradley, the first black woman in the nation to hold the job, said Monday a state senator's insensitive remarks and behavior provide a valuable learning opportunity.  At a Cleveland fund-raiser before the Nov. 5 election, Senate President Doug White said he used the expression "we need to jew them down."  White said he didn't realize the remark was anti-Semitic and apologized to Jewish leaders after he learned that some in the audience found it offensive.  "The comment was a very offhand one that I had no knowledge of its sensitivity.  It's one I've used very seldom in my life," said White, a Republican from Manchester.

White also used to rub the head or shoulder of a black state senator for luck, The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer reported.  The senator was offended but never complained, she told the paper.  "The problem with that place is you have to pick your battles," said Rhine McLin, now mayor of Dayton, referring to the Ohio Statehouse.  "You gotta work with these people."

McLin described White as "somebody who just doesn't know any better."  White disputed McLin's comments and said he had never heard of a stereotype about rubbing black people for luck.

Here's a link to the entire story, but that's the meat of it.  What is it with these people?  It's been more than a quarter of a century since the Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz, lost his position due to anger over a seemingly-racist joke.  Shouldn't anyone who runs for public office have long since learned a tiny bit of sensitivity to ethnic references, if only as a matter of self-preservation?

I'm always reticent to peg someone as a racist based on casual remarks or quips — but at the very least, they don't demonstrate a lot of practical intelligence.  Never attribute to deviousness that which can be explained by incompetence.

Well it's about friggin' time they started releasing The Dick Van Dyke Show on DVD.  The first five volumes from Time-Life Video are supposed to be out any day now.  Each features four complete episodes with what I'm told is superior video quality.  If you have to pick one volume, go for Volume 2, which contains "Where Did I Come From?", "That's My Boy," "It May Look Like A Walnut," and "October Eve."  Those are the ones wherein Ritchie is born, Ritchie comes home from the hospital, the closet is full of walnuts, and an embarrassing painting of Laura turns up in a Manhattan art gallery.  They're about as good as sitcoms get.

My friend, sitcom expert Vince Waldron, wrote the liner notes and he tells me that the makers of the DVD DVDs managed to locate original network prints, which are each about four minutes longer than the cut-down versions we all know so well from syndication.  That alone is reason enough for me to buy them.  Vince, by the way, has a superb website called Classic Sitcoms, which has info and episode guides for a lot of my favorite shows.  He is also the author of a book by the same name, as well as The Official Dick Van Dyke Show Book, and I recommend both highly.  (I'm not supplying Amazon links to them.  Go over to Vince's site and order them via his links so he gets the commissions.)