Who says the Democrats don't have a candidate for 2004? What about James Traficant? Truly, he is the man who can unite America…the one man about whom people from all walks of life agree. He'll scare the hell out of terrorists. They'll know he's capable of doing just about any stupid thing. And Congress won't have to waste time investigating our Chief Executive's past business dealings. His have already been exposed as illegal and he can just pardon himself and say, "The people knew I was a crook when they elected me."
He's a great, inspirational leader. Abraham Lincoln said, "Fourscore and seven years ago…" "John F. Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." James Traficant said, "I'm having some rectal disorder because of this." When President George W. Bush makes a speech, the stock market plunges. When President James Traficant makes a speech, the stock market may still plunge but at least, we can all laugh at his haircut while it does.
I'm telling you, the man can win. Bring back Bob Dornan as his running mate and let them campaign on the Loose Cannon platform.
You can look elsewhere if you want, but me…I've found my candidate. Traficant in 2004. We've done worse.