I said here recently said that I spent one weekend in 1977 helping Gabe Kaplan out at a taping of The Battle of the Network Stars. I need to correct/clarify that.
ABC broadcast the first Battle of the Network Stars on November 13, 1976. It pitted teams from all three networks against one another in athletic events and ABC won two ways. Its team won the competition and the network had a special that got huge ratings and cried out for sequels. Quickly, they set up a rematch with the same team captains and some of the same team members.
The second one — the one I witnessed — aired on February 28, 1977 and it was actually called The Challenge of the Network Stars. Thereafter, they called them Battle of the Network Stars III, Battle of the Network Stars IV, etc., and retroactively referred to the one for which I was present as Battle of the Network Stars II. The teams were…
ABC Team: Gabe Kaplan (Team Captain), Levar Burton, Darleen Carr, Richard Hatch, Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs, Ron Howard, Hal Linden, Kristy McNichol, Penny Marshall, Jaclyn Smith
CBS Team: Telly Savalas (Team Captain), Sonny Bono, Kevin Dobson, Mike Farrell, David Groh, Linda Lavin, Lee Meriwether, Rob Reiner, Loretta Swit, Marcia Wallace
NBC Team: Robert Conrad (Team Captain), Elizabeth Allen, Lynda Day George, Carl Franklin, Karen Grassle, Dan Haggerty, Art Hindle, Kurt Russell, Jane Seymour, W.K. Stratton
I do not know who one or two of those people are and didn't then. A couple of them weren't sure at the time, either. For a while, I was sitting on the ABC bench and I had a clipboard with pages listing all the competitors and the schedule of events. Various stars were coming up to me, pointing to other competitors and asking, "What show is he [or she] on?"
It was all shot at Pepperdine University — half on Saturday and half on Sunday. One online reference says the hosts were Howard Cosell, Bruce Jenner and O.J. Simpson but I only recall seeing Mr. Cosell on the premises.
Gabe Kaplan introduced me to him. I shook the hand of the man they called with great sarcasm, Humble Howard and my gaze fixed on a toupee that wouldn't have fooled Quincy Magoo during a total eclipse. Gabe looked on as Cosell held onto my mitt with both hands and shook it over and over and told me, "Young man, I envy you this moment. It is rare that a pedestrian individual such as yourself has the opportunity to bask in the aura of true greatness. In years to come, not a day will go by that you will not boast of having met the famous Howard Cosell. Your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren…they will all hear that you shook the hand of this nation's intellectual conscience."
I turned to Gabe and said, "You're right. He is an asshole."
Gabe laughed hysterically. A few other folks within earshot laughed. And Howard, to his credit, managed a chuckle.
I don't know why I said that. Well, I do know: to get the laugh. But that kind of remark usually isn't my style. Something about Mr. Cosell's little self-parody just brought it out in me.
An hour or so later, I was standing off in an area from which the general public was excluded, trying to act casual and watch something without appearing to be watching it. It was the sight of Jane Seymour in a clingy, wet nylon swim suit trying to dry her extremely-long hair. She was, then as now, a woman of stunning beauty.
In my quest to not look like I was ogling Ms. Seymour when I in fact was, I noticed Howard Cosell standing near me, trying to pretend he wasn't staring at her, too. It had already dawned on me that I might well owe the man an apology and this seemed like a fine time. I didn't think he'd taken umbrage. I thought what I'd said was in precisely the spirit that was demanded by his comment to me.
But he was a guy I kinda admired for some of the stands he'd taken…so just in case, I sidled over to him, nodded in the direction of Jane Seymour and said, "Now, isn't this better than interviewing Dick Butkus in the shower room?"
Mr. Cosell laughed and said, "Anything is better than interviewing Dick Butkus in the shower room. Or outside it for that matter."
I apologized to him for my remark. He said it wasn't necessary. I said, "I was very impressed back there with what a fine job you did of acting just like Howard Cosell."
He gave out with a long sigh. "It's a lot of work being me," he said. "I never know if I'm supposed to live up to my reputation or down to it."
Just then, he was called away to tape an interview for the show. He shook my hand like a normal human being and departed…but every time I saw him after that on TV, I thought about that remark: "I never know if I'm supposed to live up to my reputation or down to it." I suspect anyone who gains a rep for being outrageous in some way has to grapple with the same quandary.
A little later, I tried without any success to strike up a conversation with Ms. Seymour. I didn't really have it in mind that I might get her phone number or ask her to dinner but I also wasn't not thinking of those things.
I do not recall what I said but she smiled at me — which is all I was realistically seeking — and in the most polite, charming, civilized manner told me that she wasn't the least bit interested in talking to me, let alone going out with me. I hadn't even broached the latter activity but I guess she could sense I didn't not have it on my mind.
A week later at a party, I struck up a conversation with a young lady named Brenda. I don't remember what I said to her either but the first thing out of my mouth was whatever I'd said to Jane Seymour…only in this case, it led to us both saying many other things and then going to dinner the following evening. It was a terrible date — no rapport, no laughs, no spark.
By the time the waiter brought the check, we both wanted to be home and in bed — not in the same home and certainly not in the same bed — so we called it off then and there in the restaurant. I couldn't help but muse that having Jane Seymour say no was a much more pleasurable experience than having Brenda say yes.
Getting back to Pepperdine: I had two other encounters with glamorous actresses. Larry Hilton-Jacobs from Kotter introduced me to Joanna Cameron, who had been starring as the super-heroine Isis on a Saturday morning TV series. We hung out together for a while, then got separated in the crowds before she could turn me down. If and when she had, I probably would have replied, "You know, you could learn something from Jane Seymour."
Then a few weeks after the event, a photo of me turned up in not The Enquirer but one of those other tabloids. Actually, it was a picture of Jaclyn Smith from Charlie's Angels, sitting on the ABC bench next to me. I was not identified but the caption, ignoring body language that screamed "No,", wondered if I might be the latest in a long (apparently) series of Jaclyn's boy friends. Alas, Jaclyn missed out on that wonderful opportunity by never saying one word to me.
And I think that's all I recall of the weekend, apart from what I mentioned in this earlier piece and this one. An interesting experience to say the least.